that life is too short. I mean, seriously - the last three times I've been to a funeral/viewing it's been for people who died too young. It's not fair and it shouldn't happen. Kids shouldn't grow up without a parent, parents should not have to live without their child. All of that makes me think about how important the relationships I have are - how so many of them should be better, more important - valued more than they are.
The funeral home tonight was hard. Harder for me than I thought it would be. There's a joke on Jason's side of the family about me - it's not really funny to me - but you know - family jokes are rarely funny to the person it's about. I'm not a big crier. I don't boo hoo over every little thing. It takes a lot to make me cry. I'm sure I cried enough in my teen years that my parents would laugh at this - this fact that I don't cry much now. Anyway - back to the joke. I don't even remember how it started or what we were talking about but my sister-in-law said something like 'what is it? do you have ice in your veins or something' and I think we were really just talking about being cold - not like cold hearted or anything. But her and I are both huge Friends fans - and this got us into one of those conversations where we repeat word for word what Monica and Chandler said on friends. There was an episode where Chandler talked about how he didn't cry and Monica started giving him all the scenarios and asking if he would cry. The answer was always no and finally she said - what is wrong with you? are you emotionally dead? - or something to that effect. So - that's the joke - ice in my veins, emotionally dead - ha ha.
Anyway - I'm not a crier. I get the lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, sniffly thing - but rarely the balling my eyes out cry. Just doesn't happen - doesn't mean I'm emotionally dead though - just that I hold it in maybe? I don't know. But tonight the lump was larger and I could have easily cried had I not just thought about a happy time I had with Kristin. Her mom got to me - she made me want to cry. Not because we were sad - just thinking about the time we had together in Mobile. I loved that they moved down there. I loved that I got to reconnect with Kay Kay and Kristin. Loved it!! It was great to have them there. I think it was a really really good time in Kristin's life, too. She was happy their and then. She made good choices. She grew up a bit. I felt very protective of her. I still do. Even now that she's gone. My cousin made a comment to me tonight about her not liking Kristin while the two of us were friends because she felt like Kristin was trying to take me from her - and be a closer friend to me - something crazy like that. I just thought that was nuts. I mean, I can have more than one friend, right? And aren't we adults? Geez. It made me really think more about Kristin though - we used to ride in her car to work together sometimes and we would listen to two different CD's over and over. The Grease soundtrack and Billboard's top ten from 1979, which featured the wonderful song Escape (the Pina Colada song). I'm not sure why we listened to these but we did. Kristin may have still had them. I never got them back from her but Neil replaced one of them for me on my birthday one year. He knew I loved it and I'm sure I gave him a hard time about it since they were together at the time.
There were picture of Kristin everywhere tonight. Some I'd seen before and some that were of more recent years - she was such a pretty girl. I miss that smile - she had a great smile. I have several pictures of her I hope I can find and take her mom - if I have copies. Kay told me that Kristin had several pictures of the four of us together in her room - on her window sill. Makes me miss her more.
So, again - I'm thinking about Kenny's new CD with the song "I'm Alive" where he sings about just being alive and well. Here are the lyrics:
I'm Alive ~
So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me, I'd like to thank my lucky stars that I'm alive and well...
It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me...I'm alive
And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive
And well...I'm alive and well
The stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's gonna fall a soul when there's not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life now I'm alive and well
WOW, huh? Words we all need to remember.
So, that's enough for me. I just really needed to get my thoughts down on paper - or the internet, whichever :)
Sorry to ramble, but ...........you know it happens frequently from me!