Monday, January 23, 2012

Everything she wants........

There are so many things that I want to do. 

I really want to find a full time position in a school - a school with a family feeling, a school that welcomes me and helps me grow as a teacher, a school that I can contribute to as well, a school that my personality fits.  Just a place for me.  I don't have one - I mean, I have a temporary one that I love so much, but I want a permanent one.  It's not really so much to ask for, is it?  A place you belong.  I had no idea that it would be so hard to find a job when I went back to school.  I had no idea that we would move away from my school connections and I would invest time in other schools and that time wouldn't get my anywhere.  It's depressing.  It makes things hard.  Hard on me personally because I'm not fulfilling my purpose, hard on my family because I'm not making enough money, just hard all the way around. 

I really want to be a better homemaker, wife and mom.  Everything gets done but not necessarily the way I would like for it to get done.  In my head, I'm much more organized.  I just can't manage to make it happen in real life.  There are tons of things that just need to go away - trash, donate, etc - and I can't make it happen.  For lots of reasons.  I know I have room to improve on the wife and mom front.  Lots of room.  I don't know where to start.

I really want to be more creative.  There's tons of things I want to make - as gifts, for our home, etc. but it doesn't happen.  I'm not very good at balancing time.  I'm trying to step away from the computer and get my hands dirty in my crafting supplies, but then I'm neglecting my family or the laundry or something.  Making things makes me feel better.  I think because when I complete what I've made, I see results.  There are lots of other areas in my life that I don't get to see results in - so it's hard for me.

I really want to feel like I've accomplished something in life. 

I don't always feel that way.

I'm not having a pity party - just thinking about life and how it works.  I know I'm not the only one that thinks these things out and wonders........... but that doesn't make it any easier. 

Well, that's it from me - just things on my mind I wanted to get out!!

Monday, January 16, 2012

My word for 2012

For a couple of years now, I've attempted to come up with a word to live by, to live out - through the year.  Most of the time, I keep it in my mind until about February and it disappears along with all the other resolutions.

This year, I'm attempting it again and trying to be more deliberate!  Not just think about it for a few weeks - but make plans for it all year long.

My word for 2012 is present. No, I don't want a bunch of presents (although that would be nice) but I want to BE present.  See, we all get in that crazy busy life rush.  Thinking of what we need from the store, texting a friend, emailing someone and watching our favorite television show - all while our kids are doing their thing, our spouse is doing his thing and none of us are aware of each other.  We aren't really present in each others lives.  Cole will come in to chat about Power Rangers and I'm trying to read some blogs, or watch television.  I'm not present in the conversation.  Jason's talking about his job and again, I'm doing something - cooking, folding clothes, playing Bejeweled - not present in the conversation.  There are so many ways we can be present and not really be paying attention to what's going on.  I don't want to just show up.  I want people to know I'm here.

That falls to me - I need to be certain to make my presence known.  In my life, my families life, my job.

So, my goal this year is to BE PRESENT.

I've already tried to make a good start.  I've got a cute little wallpaper on my phone that says 'present' - just a reminder.  I've started organizing my scrap space so I can document our lives again.  I barely scrapbooked last year and that's so so sad to me.  I love it - I love when Jason and Cole want to look at the things I've done.  I love when Cole asks to see his scrapbooks.  I want to document our lives for the future, but I must be present now to write down those things that are important, that we want to remember - take those pictures.  I didn't take nearly enough pictures last year.  There are so many things undocumented.  I'm going to do Project Life this year, as well.  I want to be sure to remember all those little things.

A few other things I've been working on are just around the house stuff - things that will make the day to day flow more easily.  That doesn't make a giant change in our lives, but it helps.  I don't want to spend all my off time cleaning house - I don't want to be present in the laundry - I want to be with my family. 

So, I'm trying - once again - a little differently so maybe I'll get a different result!

Here's hoping,

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Have I mentioned cancer sucks lately?

Well, it does.  Back in August Cole had his check up at St. Jude - all was well, it was an easy visit.  We were told we were on our last 6 month check up and now he only has MRI's once a year.  Such a relief.  We were able to get out a little and do a few things while we were there.  We went to hang out at The Target House one night for an event they were having.  We just really wanted to see what had changed there - we lived there for five months, so it was our home.  Cole loves to go back and check it all out.  Many things had changed - rooms updated, playgrounds updated - they always take care of the families there!!

We were standing in line to meet the Target Team drivers (Nascar, Indy car) and Jason started talking to a family in front of us.  Their sweet boy had Cole's scar.  He looked to be about Cole's age at diagnosis.  His name is Justin.  He wouldn't talk to us or Cole but we knew that was normal for the situation.  He wanted to go back to the room because it was loud.  His dad held him the whole time we were there.  It was all so familiar.  We talked for a long time, made it through the line, took our pictures with the racing guys and then talked a bit more.  We swapped email and CaringBridge sites and chatted a little about what things we be like later.  They were excited to see that Cole was fine - walking, talking - interested in most normal little boy things.  We talked about how hard it is when it's all over, how hard it is to leave your new family and return home.  How hard it is so leave the comforts of St. Jude - the people that know exactly what boat your in.  The people who know how you can't sleep at night and worry over every cough, every time they can't go to the bathroom, every test, every bite they can't eat - all of it.  We talked about how nice it will be to sleep in your own bed, and how you'd sleep all night again.  I remember Justin's dad looking at Jason like those were all such magical words.  We were both moved to tell them it was all going to be okay.

It's not okay.

Justin finished treatment and was released to go home in November.  They had a great Thanksgiving.  They began homeschooling and things were going well.  Christmas was coming and they were doing fine.  Justin was excited!!  Then they didn't update their page for a week.  When they updated, they had just found out that he had two tumors in his brain - not in the same location as the previous tumor.  It was back.  At the time, Justin wouldn't talk to them, he was very sick.  He couldn't focus on anyone.  He wasn't himself at all and it looked really bad.  I've been praying that things would change.  That he'd get a miracle.  Yes, a miracle.  They happen - they really do. 

They  had discussed surgery with the surgeon in Memphis.  After talking it through, they decided against it and returned home.  Hospice came and set everything up to keep him comfortable.

Things started to change once again.  Justin started playing, reaching for people, giving kisses.  He's still not talking, but able to focus and play Mario!!  They decided to rescan, to see if anything had changed.  The tumors were full of blood on the first scan, so I think, since he seemed to be improving, they thought the bleeding had stopped.  My thoughts were maybe the tumors weren't as bad once the bleeding stopped.  I was praying for a miracle.  Praying the tumors would just be gone.  Stranger things have happened.

I have been stalking their site since yesterday morning.  Checking my phone during class to see if there had been an update.  Nothing.

Finally this afternoon, I got my email notification.  Sadly, there are no changes.  Justin's mom feels like they've just been given this opportunity to spend this time with him.  Happy time when he's feeling okay and knows who they are and that they love him.  I just cannot imagine how hard this is.

If you have the time, please pray for them.

I really can't imagine what they are going through.  I wish I had words of wisdom, well, no I don't - I don't want any wisdom in dealing with what they are dealing with.  But I wish I had words of comfort.  That's what we thought we were giving them in August.  We thought things really would be okay.  I hate that they aren't.

We only spent a short amount of time with them and don't really know them, but still - my heart is breaking.  You can read their site to see how things are going.  He's getting a wish tomorrow from Make-a-Wish.  He deserves so much more than that.

We are so so so very blessed!!!


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