Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sometimes, it's just too much, you know?

So, today I was on Facebook and scrolled down to see who's birthday was today, or tomorrow, so I could wish them a Happy Birthday. There were two and I opened each in a new window.

The first is a fellow cancer mom. Her son went through the same treatment Cole did but for a different brain tumor. His tumor came back with a short time of finishing treatment and sadly, there were no more options. Nothing they could do. We were in Memphis when they found out. I didn't know what to do or say. We all acted like nothing was wrong in front of Isaac. We just hung out and talked about anything but cancer. I remember going to tell them goodbye and getting a sweet hug for Isaac. He was so sweet and really really funny!! I remember one day in the medicine room (like an ER sort of - where kids go and get hooked up to their chemo, or medicine - things they don't have to spend the night for). He had one of those little laser light pens - you know you push the button and point it and the red light shows up. He was sitting across from Cole and his mom, me and Jason were all just talking - don't even remember what about. His mom starts laughing and we all realize he's pointing his laser light at my boobs - one at a time. He also had one of those little fart machines and would push the button anytime a nurse was around and everyone would crack up - well, usually not the nurse.

Anyway, went to the first birthday, which was Amy's - Isaac's mom, and typed out Happy Birthday and a message about having a wonderful day. Posted it. Scrolled down and saw messages that didn't make any sense. Everyone was saying they were thinking of her, especially today. I was beginning to wonder. I mean, thinking of her, sure - but shouldn't they be wishing her a happy birthday? Then I thought, surely her son didn't pass away on her birthday and I didn't realize and everyone is thinking of her today because it's the anniversary. No - that wasn't it. I kept scrolling down and saw messages about how she was so missed, it had been a year, how she touched their heart..........

I didn't understand what had happened. I kept looking, hoping for an answer. I found a like to a page titled "In Remembrance of.........." and I realize she was gone. The information stated she died of a broken heart. She died a year ago tomorrow. I just can't believe it.

Cancer sucks. No, she didn't have cancer but her heart was broken because of cancer. So many hearts that I know have been broken because of cancer.

Jason and I were just talking the other day about families dealing with cancer and how they make it, or don't make it - all the heartbreak. I told Jason that at times I feel like I got off too easy going through all we went through with Cole. There were so many times that another person may have completely fallen apart with the stress of the day - but I didn't. It's not because I'm super strong, or emotionally dead, or that I just know how to deal. God did it all - He held me up and carried the burden for me. I knew it then and I know it now. I just hate that there are some people in the world who don't have that feeling. My friend must not have felt like she could live here without her son. I can understand that. I can only imagine how heartbroken I would be in her shoes. I've tried very hard to not ever even think of that - think of the what if's that could have happened to Cole - so many times.

I'm just heartbroken over this and just wish I'd known - I know there's nothing I could have done - but still.........

Cancer really sucks.


1 comment:

Michelle Whitlow said...

That's just awful. I've never been through dealing with that can I can't imagine what it's like. That poor mom.


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