Yes, I'm talking about the Real World - no, not the MTV show that used to be good but turned trashy. No, not the Matchbox 20 song, although I do love it!
MY real world. I read this post this morning by Stephanie Howell - who I really admire and totally stalk via blog, Facebook and Twitter!! And then I read this one by Michelle. So, I figured - why not? I can be real, right?
Now, I know plenty of times I'm real about Cole and cancer and stuff like that. There are lots of things I'd love to vent about here and don't for fear someone would read it and take it the wrong way or get mad at me - even though it's my blog and I should be able to say what I want!
So, here's the real me - and yes, I'm beginning the same way Stephanie and Michelle did - because it's the truth!!
My bed is rarely ever made. I don't have time and when I do have time, I don't care that it's not made. Cole's bed is rarely made by me. He makes his own bed once in a while and lately is tired of making it so he sleeps under a blanket ON TOP OF his quilt so he doesn't mess it up. Not a bad idea, Buddy!!
There are usually dirty dishes in my sink and plenty of laundry to do. I have to clean up before anyone comes over because there is always a little mess somewhere. So, don't just drop by - I need 30 minutes notice please!
My van is also a little messy. There are usually at least four empty cups in the floor or cupholders at any given time.
I also love Facebook and my blog. I love getting comments. I love leaving comments on Facebook. I'm bummed when I think I write a great blog post and get no comments - BUT - I don't always comment on other blogs, so I get what I deserve there, huh?
I have low self esteem. I don't think I'm smart enough or pretty enough or nice enough or friendly enough or skinny enough or have good enough hair or good enough clothes or shoes, or purses, or scrap supplies. This could go on forever. In the end, none of that really matters. But I do wish I was more confident in my own abilities and just happy with what I have. Only certain people bring those feelings out in me though - it's not all the time but it is MY issue and I'm working on it.
During Cole's illness, life was rather easy. I didn't break down and cry often. Actually, I can remember maybe twice being on the verge of tears and one time, actually crying. First, I'm not much of a crier. I don't cry at funerals or weddings. I may get the little lump in my throat, but that's it - a little watery eyes - but that's it. I've been that way as long as I can remember. Ok, so back to Cole's illness. I didn't (and still don't) feel worthy of the grace I felt. Why did I feel like it was all ok and it would all be good? Why didn't I stress and worry each and every day? I know God was taking care of me, but I'm not sure what I did to deserve that. I wasn't very religious at the time - sure I believed in God, but I wasn't having a relationship with him daily. So, I wonder all the time why me? Why did He take that burden for me and carry it? I'm thankful each and everyday - I was able to focus on Cole 100% instead of worrying and stressing - but in the end.... still don't know what made me worthy of that grace!!
Okay - that's all I've got. I could probably go on and on - but those were the important things to me!!
Thanks for reading and for the love - leave me a comment!!